My First (and Last) Time Dating a Rice Queen

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Relationships that go the distance. Related articles Top Date Ideas: The way gay Asian men can be spoken to or ignored online causes some second-guessing in interactions with white men, especially when it comes to being more than friends.

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It works the other way as well, where being associated with a gay Asian is seemingly taboo. What do you think people are saying? All of this is quite intangible, and "it's hard to quantify racist experiences that you encounter in intimate relationships, and from the queer community sometimes. It's just how we feel or are made to feel, really," added Daniel. The only real obvious proof that can be seen are the toxic messages online "No Asians," "I'm a no rice, no spice kinda guy," etc.

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Sign up for the best of VICE, delivered to your inbox daily. On a date, a guy actually told me "he's a no rice, no spice kinda guy. Newsletters are the new newsletters. More VICE. One of my very favorite writers once did me the compliment of naming someone in one of her stories, published in the New Yorker , after me—and giving him a home on West 11th.

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The closest I will ever get to this dream. I think it was this moment that pierced me, but there were many, really. He was that sort of dangerous beauty with a knack for knowing just what I dreamed about. In retrospect I should have guessed: He reminded me of a friend from college who had studied Chinese and Korean, practiced Chinese calligraphy, trained in tae kwon do, and dated Korean women almost exclusively.

A friend who'd once said to me, I'm half-Korean, too. Just, inside. On one of our first dates, he came over to my apartment and told me about the books I'd just been given by my grandfather, the jokbo for our family. I'm the oldest male in my generation, the 42nd, and by Korean tradition, we are given them. The books are kept in an antiquated Chinese script, and I am unable to read them, but he could read them.

It was the sort of thing that shamed me regularly for the sort of upbringing I'd had—my father had committed us to assimilation and had not wanted us to speak Korean. He had died when I was young, though, and the language gap left us estranged from his family afterward. In , we were putting these connections back together—I had just gone to Korea with my family that summer, and my grandfather had given me these books. But there was still so much no one had ever taught me.

I practiced it as he watched and corrected me. Roses re-emerging all through the garden. I think it's cursed there, that rose.

Relationship-Minded Dating for Gay Asians

There's no record anywhere of what I can now see the dream was about: I knew what rice queens were, and they didn't usually go for me. When I worked at A Different Light bookstore in the Castro in s-era San Francisco, I remember selling them copies of OG magazine—short for "Oriental Guy"—these men fantasizing about the sex trips they took to Asian countries like the Philippines, Vietnam, Thailand, all of them in search of smooth young Asian men living in precarious economic conditions who were willing to do things sexually for, well, probably less than the cost of the magazine, in order to survive.

I had also been to the gay bars in San Francisco for Asian men, to discover they were for Asian men looking for white men and vice versa.