Does dating a transgender make you gay

User kelevra wrote , "In a different society, I don't think it would be an issue with me at all to be with a trans woman, but Matt's first sexual experience with a trans woman was in , with a girl he picked up on the West Side Highway. It used to be an infamous pickup spot for trans sex workers.

Though Matt loved the sex itself, it wasn't long after orgasm that he felt a throat-clenching sense of anxiety. I was so afraid [thinking of] how I'd tell anybody. It was the height of the AIDS epidemic. A disease that anybody could acquire had become a profound symbol of the cultural stigma against queer sexuality and sex.

Wanting to have sex with trans women is not synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving them.

We used condoms but I was more afraid of that conflict. The illness might have meant a tragic, untimely end to his life, but it also would have branded him a fag. Matt said that he's seen countless trans sex workers throughout his life. He was a John—or generic male client—for thirty years.

Despite his insecurities, though, he always wanted more from those relationships. He tried to romance girls, but he was continually rejected.

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I don't know if it's all of them, but the ones that use the girls. Most men aren't willing to give the same that they give to a cisgender woman. While researching this story, I trolled Craigslist for other trans amorous men.

Only one man, Alex, answered my request for an interview. He was very clear: He was 22 at the time, and he's now in his late thirties. While he claims never to have grappled with shame, he did affirm the taboo of his attraction. When I asked Alex how important it is that a girl is able to pass well, he responded, "I'm attracted to femininity, not masculinity. It's that simple. Not to mention that holding trans women to a cisgender standard is unrealistic: The majority of trans girls will probably never pass perfectly.

Clearly, having a boner for hot girls with dicks is far from synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving transgender women. Later in his life, Matt has tried to give transgender women more—he's tried to surpass the stigma surrounding his sexuality by being available emotionally and forging real relationships with trans women.

About ten years ago, in his late thirties, he met a girl in the sex trade named Alicia. She'd come to New York from Brazil in the 80s—around the same time he'd been cruising the west side highway. Is someone going to see me?

Most Cis People Are Unwilling to Date Trans People According to This New Study - them.

I remember her saying to me, 'I'm walking down the street with you, but if you're going to be embarrassed by me, I'm going to be embarrassed by you. Matt smiled, gently shaking his head at the insecure man he'd once been. The GIP runs a variety of programs for the trans community; among other services, Herrera provides support groups. One group caters to partners of transgender individuals. It's a place for anyone trans amorous to go and talk with other trans amorous men or women. There is a lot of stigma attached to it: Their sexuality is called into question.

Society is hard on the men who date transgender individuals. There is a lot of stigma attached to it. Nearly all the men I've dated have identified as heterosexual. A handful have been bi, but none gay. Early on in my transition I frequently posted personal ads. There was a man who used to email me a couple times a week. He was a typical Williamsburg ruffian—tall, tattooed, with an undercut. He was a handsome guy, but I never met him because all he wanted was sex.

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I started seeing him around my neighborhood. He was always with his girlfriend. There they'd be slurping a Thai noodle lunch special, stocking a grocery cart with kombucha, or clouding their coffee with cream in our shared cafe. They held hands at their table. His cock-hungry messages lay close, stored in my phone at the bottom of my purse. I wondered if she knew he was cruising for sex with other people. Did she know he's into trans women? When she finds out, will she ask him if he's gay? I wonder sometimes, when I hear people spew hatred, how many of them have actually been with trans women before.

In his mid-thirties, Matt grew tired of denying himself the kind of life he's always wanted. I have been doing this for so long anyway. This is something I'm gonna do for me. He wanted Alicia to be more than someone he paid for sex, but there were multiple factors working against them both.

Like many impoverished trans women, Alicia was addicted to drugs. She called Matt a few times desperate for cash. She looked horrible; she was thirty, forty, pounds lighter than she was when I'd first met her. It broke my heart. It was too painful to watch Alicia's descent into addiction, so Matt stopped seeing her and resumed living in secrecy. Six or seven years after he last saw Alicia, he attempted to find her again to no avail.

She was gone, her online ads deleted. Last year, after decades of living a double life, Matt was finally ready for a partner. He became serious about finding the right trans woman to spend his life with. But where to look? There's been an active market for trans personal ads on Craigslist for years. Clicking into the m4t category of Misc. Romance, you'll find reams of posts by trans amorous men. There is a weighty symbolism to Craigslist's subcategories: Casual Encounters is, as one would expect, the most popular. If you're cruising there, all bets are off. As the guys see it, social graces are checked at the door.

Then, over in Misc. Romance, again and again, you'll find posts by guys professing their exhaustion with Casual Encounters. They've had enough; they want more. There is a tenderness to the forum—the same users post diligently week after week in pursuit of their transgender soul mate, and stock photos of roses often accompany their ads. With the rise of services like OkCupid, Craigslist and other trans community backchannels are becoming less necessary than they once were. In recent years OkCupid has integrated categories for transgender people. Matt made a throwaway profile on OkCupid just to see who was out there.

She even told me she wasn't gonna live more than ten years. But there are some other things that I want you to consider. The woman you love has not had an easy journey. Imagine how hard that experience must have been for her. Without knowing her story, consider the common threads in narratives shared by courageous men and women in the LGBTQ community. Transgender women are often the targets of abuse and violence. They are subjected to open bullying of and sometimes disowned by their families. Be compassionate. You were drawn to a woman.

Navigating the dating world as a trans person

Stop running. You have to decide what matters most: Once you make that decision, let your lady know where you stand. If you decide to move forward as couple, understand that it is perfectly acceptable to treat her history as a private matter. Your girl shared the truth with you because she felt safe enough to do so, not to hurt you.

Be honest about your confusion. Champion her courage in coming forward, telling you the truth, and talking things out.