Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating

I remember feeling very lonely because no one understood me.

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At the time, there were no real gay role models except for Graham Norton and Jack from Dawson's Creek —and I certainly didn't identify with him because I wasn't a football player. I had friends but they were all straight and having relationships. This sounds really gross and pervy, but I remember one time we were all hanging out in someone's bedroom and everyone else was making out, doing "couple-y" things.

I just sat by myself in front of the TV. I remember feeling very isolated because I had no one to experience any kind of sexuality with. I felt like I was completely on my own. This carried on until I was 16, when I started going out to gay bars in my hometown. Back then, no one ever asked for an ID.

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I'd just sit in a corner feeling unbelievably shy and nervy until I'd drunk enough to get up and maybe sit at the bar. But I felt like I had to do this—I had to go out. So I'd wait for a guy to approach me, and it would probably end with me going back to his flat to have sex. There would never be much conversation—some of these guys were in their mid-to-late thirties, so what would we talk about? Looking back at it now, I'm like, "What were they thinking? That's not healthy. I had nothing in common with these men because of the age difference but I was desperate to feel something with someone for a short period of time.

I was desperate to feel wanted.

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A few years later I moved to a bigger city to study. I made myself move because I knew it would force me to meet new people.

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I thought otherwise I'd end up stuck on my own. But again, I felt isolated because I was living in student accommodation with five straight guys I didn't identity with. So the behaviors I'd already displayed at home just continued in a different city, with much less parental supervision.

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I made one gay friend, who I'm actually close to now. But back then, we didn't really talk about things. We didn't really have a proper friendship. We both liked the Spice Girls, and that was enough for me. We'd just go out to bars together and get so drunk that we couldn't remember how we got home. During this time, I had a brief dalliance with bulimia. All that happened was I would take a lot of laxatives, and then experience a great deal of pain.

But I just felt like I needed to feel something, and I needed to feel in control of how lonely I felt. For me, alcohol was always the biggest problem. When I was 21, my first boyfriend broke up with me and I didn't have any coping mechanisms other than drinking. I just drank myself into oblivion—to the point where I got sacked from my bar job and had to take time off from my studies.

I used alcohol for a number of reasons, but it was mainly so I could feel comfortable enough to go out and speak to people, and switch off everything going on in my head. I think I drank so I could switch off the loneliness. These apps are a microcosm of the demoralizing experience that is men dating men.

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In real life, most gay men are just as superficial as their online simulacrums. Within the first 0. If there so happens to be that mutual magic spark, the journey has only just begun. Will they kiss you at the end of the night? Will they call again? Who should call? An agonizing litany of self-doubt prevails. One would think dating between two men should be, for lack of a better phrase, straightforward. But there are also no rules, no applicable dating wisdom passed down from parents. Oh my. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday.

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I'm gay, but given the choice would I rather be straight?

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Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating
Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating
Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating
Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating
Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating
Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating
Why i am so unlucky with gay hookups or dating