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Game Theory: Secrets of Dating! (Dating Sims' How to Win at Love Part 2)

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Swim Spa Brochure. A girl you met a few minutes ago said several stupid things, turned into lasers, sexually merged with you in space, and now her pulsing eggs have hatched and formed a small army, of which you're the commander. It's kind of hard to say whether that's the best or worst date ever. Atlus Daddy loves you, kids. It's time to stop crying and use Quick Attack.

This Japanese video game from can best be described as a rape-themed Death Note. Picking through that word salad, we can safely say that there's something in that sentence to make anyone confused and uncomfortable. And you are right to be! You play a boy named Akira, who has a living notebook that gives him the power to have sex with anyone if he writes their name in it. Unfortunately, it only works on the same gender as the first en-- You know what? It's a magic homosexual rape notebook.

Let's not overanalyze it. The game offers you six potential romantic encounters, though your partner's participation in the romance is mandatory by way of sorcery. Japan doesn't have a word for it, but it's called Cosbymancy in America. Tennenouji "I'm Kouki. My dislikes include free will and Crocs. Each boy has his own personality traits. For instance, tender and sweet Kouki has low dildo insertion skills. Tennenouji See? That's bush league, Kouki. Step it up, man! Kouki also has a nurse fetish, which seems a little pedestrian for a game about anal wishing from a country where the top Google search is probably "squid lubricant.

Tennenouji "I wish I had a magic notebook that didn't make me dress like a stupid asshole," you think. Then there's Seiji: He has a slightly freakier fetish, and if you get involved with him, he ties you up and yanks your foreskin through your fly. Tennenouji Okay, that's adequately bizarre, Japan.

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Like most dating sims, the gameplay seems based around punishing the player, almost certainly because the player deserves it. Still, this unpleasant and horrific disaster was popular enough to get a sequel. In that one, you are teleported to a miracle world in which all notebooks, including yours, become horny humans whom you can bang. Confused by that? That only means there's still good left in you.

Seducing insects or textually molesting male nurses might seem a little weird -- perhaps criminally so -- but at the end of the day, they're at least animate beings. This free game may be overpriced, but it serves up the options of romancing food.

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Not smiling, singing food mascots ; chunks of uncooked meat. You can pursue a chunk of beef:. Freem "Hey, 'sup. I'm meat. Quit the chit-chat and penetrate me. Freem "Hi, I'm fish. I feel that sex is God's gift. The game starts off with you meeting and interacting with both Beef and Tuna, showing that Beef is the more athletic and popular option, while Tuna is more artistic and sensitive.

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If you go after Tuna, you are quickly given the option to confess your love to him. If you do, it's awkward for everyone, including Tuna. Tuna is friends with other chunks of fish and a human girl named Sushi Rice, and during the game, they help explain what you mean to Tuna. You see, Tuna often just doesn't have the words. Speaking of words, some of these might not make sense: Sometimes the meat chunks look like male humans. It's maybe artistic license, maybe simple insanity, but all of it is an obstacle to the player's ultimate goal of getting wet meat around your junk.

But I have hands and We're in a Japanese dating game, aren't we? I wish I was in a sandwich. You're probably wondering what happens if you try to have sex with both Beef and Tuna, like you do at home. Well, the game is quite protective of the feelings of the meat and fish. If you try to two-time them, it sends aliens down to abduct you. Perhaps strangest of all, after The Bacon Lettuce Biographies sends aliens after you, it does not give you the option of having sex with them.

Blackspears Media Inc.

One of the first dating games available online, Simgirls was posted on Newgrounds in , and has been peen played well over 50 million times. Statistically, one of those people has got to be doing so from outside a mental hospital, but we hate to think that's true.

5 Games That Need Dating Sim Spin-Offs as Soon as Humanly Possible

So what's this apparently popular virtual sex game like? Fucked is what it's like. The most fucked thing about this game has nothing to do with the three characters you can romance, even though the process of winning their affection includes things like buying their underwear at a school auction Blackspears Media Inc Tragically, you can't buy them a better artist.

Blackspears Media Inc Do we No, the truly fucked part of the game is when a character from the future shows up and blasts you with a DNA gun to keep you from impregnating all these fertile but flatulent girls. Blackspears Media Inc It was the most mature way the developers knew to address birth control. In a fun twist, the DNA ray only makes your poontang rampaging worse by increasing your intelligence, charm, and strength to dangerously lap-moistening levels. So the future girl decides to come back again and shoot you with a regular gun. Go back in time and kill fertile men.

Future Law Code Get around to renaming all Future Laws to Regular Laws. Blackspears Media Inc It's telling that the game's main love story begins with a blow to the head. The future girl loses her memory and becomes your pet. And when we say pet, we mean the game calls her that, you're required to feed her, and she shits all over herself. Blackspears Media Inc Jesus, her Hygiene rating is at 15 percent? What the fuck does 10 percent look like?

Which is ironic, because nothing in the world is capable of making a person feel this sad and alone. Blackspears Media Inc "Before we do this, you should know I'm keeping a shit-covered time traveler prisoner in my basement. You might be thinking, "The creator was probably some misfit kid with bad taste in cartoons whose brain was hijacked by puberty.

Cut him some slack! The creator, Sim-Man, is still working on it.

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He returned to this game ten years after its debut to release a full version with more locations, features, and creepiness than any 20 people should confusedly masturbate to. He's currently working on a new game called Simgirls Lovemore , because Japan will not be content until you can have sex with literally everything you shouldn't.

Newgrounds Wait. What's that say in the creator's profile? We set out to find the most bonkers sex games from Japan, and number one is from boring, polite old Canada? It's like they say: Love knows no bounds, and perversion knows no borders. Adam Koski's short film might not be as creepy as some of these games, but it tries, dammit!