Gay if dating transwomen

Did it mean he was gay? I met Matt in his home, thirty years after that fateful day in his teenage bedroom. His name has been changed to maintain anonymity. We sat on opposite ends of an ultra suede sofa, he in a pair of basketball shorts and a white t-shirt. Now in his late forties, Matt is a solid man, limbs thick from decades of manual labor.

The Straight Men Who Have Sex with Trans Women - Broadly

He's safe now, free after years spent in anguish. Read More: Learning to Dress as a Trans Woman. In the s, it was particularly daunting for a trans amorous man to confront his sexual identity. Most people when I grew up didn't even have cable. In a different society, I don't think it would be an issue with me at all to be with a trans woman.

There are many men who share his fear. On Reddit, arguably the most revealing cultural sampler of our times, one trans amorous man recently aired his turmoil. He wrote about his relationship with a trans girl and his family and friends' rejection of her. According to him, his loved ones mock him, ask if she's got a dick, call him gay. On other boards, users ask straight men if they'd consider dating a trans woman. Some guys give a flat out no; others appear unburdened by social stigma, down for it so long as she passes well and is hot.

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But there's another prevalent response, one that lands nearer to the heart of this issue. User kelevra wrote , "In a different society, I don't think it would be an issue with me at all to be with a trans woman, but Matt's first sexual experience with a trans woman was in , with a girl he picked up on the West Side Highway. It used to be an infamous pickup spot for trans sex workers. Though Matt loved the sex itself, it wasn't long after orgasm that he felt a throat-clenching sense of anxiety. I was so afraid [thinking of] how I'd tell anybody. It was the height of the AIDS epidemic.

A disease that anybody could acquire had become a profound symbol of the cultural stigma against queer sexuality and sex. We used condoms but I was more afraid of that conflict.

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The illness might have meant a tragic, untimely end to his life, but it also would have branded him a fag. Matt said that he's seen countless trans sex workers throughout his life. He was a John—or generic male client—for thirty years. Despite his insecurities, though, he always wanted more from those relationships. He tried to romance girls, but he was continually rejected. I don't know if it's all of them, but the ones that use the girls. Most men aren't willing to give the same that they give to a cisgender woman. While researching this story, I trolled Craigslist for other trans amorous men.

Only one man, Alex, answered my request for an interview. He was very clear: He was 22 at the time, and he's now in his late thirties. While he claims never to have grappled with shame, he did affirm the taboo of his attraction.

The Straight Men Who Have Sex with Trans Women

When I asked Alex how important it is that a girl is able to pass well, he responded, "I'm attracted to femininity, not masculinity. It's that simple. Not to mention that holding trans women to a cisgender standard is unrealistic: The majority of trans girls will probably never pass perfectly.

Clearly, having a boner for hot girls with dicks is far from synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving transgender women. Later in his life, Matt has tried to give transgender women more—he's tried to surpass the stigma surrounding his sexuality by being available emotionally and forging real relationships with trans women.

About ten years ago, in his late thirties, he met a girl in the sex trade named Alicia. She'd come to New York from Brazil in the 80s—around the same time he'd been cruising the west side highway.

Is someone going to see me? I remember her saying to me, 'I'm walking down the street with you, but if you're going to be embarrassed by me, I'm going to be embarrassed by you. Matt smiled, gently shaking his head at the insecure man he'd once been. The GIP runs a variety of programs for the trans community; among other services, Herrera provides support groups. One group caters to partners of transgender individuals. It's a place for anyone trans amorous to go and talk with other trans amorous men or women.

There is a lot of stigma attached to it: Their sexuality is called into question. On a date, I want to be treated as any other woman does. So talk about normal date things, and ask me questions like, "What are you into? I was like, "Woah, I'm going to stop you right there". People don't seem to understand sexuality and gender are two completely different things.

It's really not that difficult to understand.

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• Wanting to have sex with trans women is not synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving them..

A lot of straight men get a lot of opinions thrown at them about their sexuality because of it. Because of that stigma, people I date often feel they need to keep me a secret. But, equally, I - and all trans women - deserve to be showed off, and with someone who's open about being in a relationship with me. No one wants to be kept a secret. And why should we be? So many people say, "I never could have guessed you were trans". Is that meant to be compliment?

That's how I want to be seen.

Appreciate our journey and courage. Rejection is something every human being can fear sometimes. Romantic relationships are one of the most important sources of social support for adults. The fact that most cis people would not consider trans people as potential dating partners is yet another serious risk factor for increased psychological and physical health problems among the trans population.

Surprisingly, among the participants open to dating a trans person, almost half selected a trans person of a gender incongruent with their stated sexual orientation. Digging even deeper into the choices of cis folks willing to date trans people, an interesting pattern of discrimination against trans women in particular emerged among those who would be expected to be attracted to women: There was no similar discrimination against trans men among those expected to be attracted to men: Of course, this is just one study with a non-representative sample participants were recruited using online advertisements, listserv messages, on-campus announcements, in-print magazine ads, snowballing methods, and invitations sent to previous study participants , so more research is needed to understand the extent of this form of trans exclusion and the reasons driving it.