Gay and single

I am well groomed, employed, a homeowner, and always nice to people. I go to a therapist and take antidepressants.

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However, this painful loneliness, depression, aging, and feeling unnoticed seem to be getting the best of me. I cry often and would really like it all to end. Any advice? Hobbes is a reporter for HuffPost and recently wrote a mini-book-length piece titled "Together Alone: The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness.

Loneliness, Hobbes explained to me, is an evolutionary adaptation, a mechanism that prompts us humans—members of a highly social species—to seek contact and connection with others, the kind of connections that improve our odds of survival. You don't have very many social contacts. Being lonely, on the other hand, is subjective: You feel alone, even when you're with other people.

This is why advice like 'Join a club! The most effective way to address loneliness, according to Hobbes's research, is to confront it directly. This doesn't mean that his perceptions are unfounded—our society is terrible to its elders in general and its LGBTQ elders in particular—but there may be opportunities in his life for intimacy that he's not tapping into. Acquaintances LAG hasn't checked in on for a while.

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Random cool cousins LAG never got to know. Volunteering gigs you fell out of. It's easier to reanimate old friendships than to start from scratch. And if your therapist doesn't know of any good support groups—or if you don't feel comfortable telling your therapist how miserable you are, or if you've told your therapist everything and they haven't been able to help—find a new therapist.

I'm a fortysomething gay male. I'm single and cannot get a date or even a hookup.

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I'm short, overweight, average looking, and bald. I see others, gay and straight, having long-term relationships, getting engaged, getting married, and it makes me sad and jealous.

Some of them are jerks—and if them, why not me? Here's the part that's hard to admit: I know something is wrong with me, but I don't know what it is or how to fix it. I'm alone and I'm lonely. I know your advice can be brutal, Dan, but what do I have to lose? You might not ever meet anyone," said Hobbes. Maybe we're damaged, maybe we're all saving ourselves for a Chris Hemsworth, but spending our adult lives and twilight years without a romantic partner is a real possibility. It just is. And it's not just gay men. In Going Solo: More than 50 percent of adult Americans are single and live alone, up from 22 percent in Some are unhappy about living alone, but it seemed that most—at least according to Klinenberg's research—are content.

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Hitting the clubs can be a euphoric experience, but it doesn't necessarily lead to long-term satisfaction. Indeed, artist Richard Dodwell has recently published an anthology book, Not Here , dedicated to documenting queer loneliness in all its forms. One person who knows loneliness well is Craig, 33, a school teacher who lives in London.

Gay, middle-aged, and lonely as hell

Here he shares his journey to overcome the sense of isolation he felt growing up gay in a small U. I guess it started when I was a young teenager.

I remember feeling very lonely because no one understood me. At the time, there were no real gay role models except for Graham Norton and Jack from Dawson's Creek —and I certainly didn't identify with him because I wasn't a football player. I had friends but they were all straight and having relationships. This sounds really gross and pervy, but I remember one time we were all hanging out in someone's bedroom and everyone else was making out, doing "couple-y" things. I just sat by myself in front of the TV.

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I remember feeling very isolated because I had no one to experience any kind of sexuality with. I felt like I was completely on my own. This carried on until I was 16, when I started going out to gay bars in my hometown. Back then, no one ever asked for an ID. I'd just sit in a corner feeling unbelievably shy and nervy until I'd drunk enough to get up and maybe sit at the bar. But I felt like I had to do this—I had to go out. So I'd wait for a guy to approach me, and it would probably end with me going back to his flat to have sex.

There would never be much conversation—some of these guys were in their mid-to-late thirties, so what would we talk about? Looking back at it now, I'm like, "What were they thinking? That's not healthy. I had nothing in common with these men because of the age difference but I was desperate to feel something with someone for a short period of time. I was desperate to feel wanted.