When compared with straight relationships gay and lesbian dating relationships

FYI: Dating Can Be Terrible When You're A Lesbian, Too

Queer dating isn't like going to a buffet — you can't just pick any random woman, and then live happily ever after. Skip navigation! Story from Wellness. A few months ago, a man wrote a letter to his "curvy" wife that essentially put himself on a pedestal for daring to love her larger-than-average body. It sparked a heated conversation between me and my coworkers all of us were on the side that this man and his letter were pretty clueless, btw. But in talking about how awful heterosexual gender dynamics can be, the conversation took a tired turn I've heard too many times.

I hear it from straight women at work, in my family, in my friend groups, and on TV. Usually I just chuckle and nod a little in moments like these because, yeah, sometimes men are downright terrible. But inside my head, my chuckle is more like a sarcastic "Ha! Let me, your friendly neighborhood lesbian, tell you a secret: Dating women isn't exactly a walk in the park, either I mean, except for those dates when I was literally walking in a park.

What Makes Same-Sex Relationships Succeed Or Fail?

Just like men, women have their downfalls. Some women ghost other women. Some are pushy about sex. Some are manipulative. Some are misogynistic. Whatever terrible behavior you're ready to write off men for exhibiting, it's almost a guarantee that there's a woman out there who's done it, too. I know because I've dated a few of them. Plus plenty of terrible first dates with women who stared at their phones instead of, you know, actually talking to me. It's not just that I have terrible luck though it definitely felt that way for a while.

My queer friends have also had bad experiences dating other women. I'll show you a good time," it read.

Her phone held dozens of similar messages, and the woman only stopped harassing Zoe when she was no longer single. Most participants identified as a racial or ethnic minority and as gay or lesbian. All but four participants reported a gender identity congruent with their birth sex. During selective coding, themes reflecting specific relationship events i.

These are presented in roughly sequential order to facilitate readability; some milestones did not always occur in the sequence described e. Meeting was the most commonly-discussed relationship milestone 73 excerpts and consisted of descriptions of how couples met. Websites and phone lines were used largely to meet LGBT peers and not necessarily to find a partner.

How are Gay and Heterosexual Relationships Different? - Luvze

After couples met, they began a period of talking 70 excerpts that lasted a week to two years before dating. Participants who met online or through a chat line often reported talking for several weeks or months before meeting in person. Excerpts from MAAB couples largely focused on condom use. While they reported consistent condom use at the beginning of their relationship or during sex with outside partners, most reported inconsistent or nonexistent condom use at the time of the interview.

Excerpts suggested that FAAB couples were more likely to wait longer to have sex than MAAB couples, like this participant, for whom delaying sex meant taking the relationship more seriously:.

I wanted to treat her like a woman… and see [if] maybe my relationship can last longer than what it used to… So, I made her wait and… it was worth the wait. Couple 27F, age 20, partner age 23, together 1—3 years. While most excerpts indicated that testing prior to having sex was important, only one participant described the importance of being tested throughout the relationship:.

Couple 21F, age 21, partner age 20, together 1—3 years. Relationship agreements were frequently described 70 excerpts , and included whether the couple was monogamous or non-monogamous and how the couple arrived at that agreement.

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This excerpt describes how one MAAB couple modified their relationship agreement:. While most couples had at least one explicit conversation about their agreement, two assumed monogamy based on how they felt or acted around each other, as described by this participant:. We kind of share the same like morals and beliefs. Living together was another frequent theme 54 excerpts , with 21 couples cohabiting at some point during their relationship. This likely reflected that more FAAB couples were living together 7 couples vs 4 couples ; otherwise, both groups discussed cohabitation in similar ways.

Couples who moved in together shortly after beginning to date often did so out of necessity e. Couples who waited longer often did so to demonstrate commitment. While participants expressed generally positive feelings about living together, some indicated ambivalence related to the prospect of breaking up, handling finances with their partners, or negative experiences with previous partners. This participant expressed concern that cohabitation would negatively affect their relationship:.

Couple 40M, age 22, partner age 19, together 1—3 years.

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Couples infrequently discussed experiences introducing their partner to their family or friends 5 excerpts. Most excerpts described introducing their partner to their family; only one talked about introducing their partner to friends. Both groups described these milestones similarly, expressing optimism and excitement about their future. One participant described obstacles she and her partner overcame that made their engagement feel particularly special:. I been in relationships that I been verbally… physically, and mentally abused… For us to meet each other… it was a gift.

• How are Gay and Heterosexual Relationships Different?.
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• “The Best is Always Yet to Come”: Relationship Stages and Processes Among Young LGBT Couples;

Couple 27F, ages 23, partner age 20, together 1—3 years. Participants who discussed having children 8 excerpts described forming families through step-families, adoption, and in vitro fertilization. For example, FAAB couples had either already adopted children together, or had biological children from previous relationships with cisgender male partners. One participant alluded to how medically-assisted conception methods were an additional barrier to having children as a same-sex couple:. In contrast, MAAB couples described their plans to start a family.

This participant described how positive experiences growing up with his nuclear family motivated him to consider adoption to create his own family and establish long-term commitment to his partner:.

Background

During selective coding, these processes were organized into three conceptual categories: As processes occurred throughout relationships, they are not described sequentially. This participant articulated the difficulty of establishing a relationship amidst these challenges, which was a sentiment common across several couples:.

Excerpts also described how emerging adulthood processes prolonged relationship initiation and delayed establishing commitment. For example, this participant began dating her partner when they were both teenagers.

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• “The Best is Always Yet to Come”: Relationship Stages and Processes Among Young LGBT Couples.
• What Makes Same-Sex Relationships Succeed Or Fail?;
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She describes how their age difference and her desire to establish her own adult identity led them to drift apart as they entered emerging adulthood:. There are a lot of changes more to do with… developing as a person. When we met she was 19 and I was 15 so it was a really big age gap… At first it was nice… she was at my level, she was energetic… and then as time progressed… I wanted my own identity.

Couple 25F, age 18, partner age 22, together 1—3 years. A minority of excerpts indicated that encountering emerging adulthood together had a positive effect on relationship initiation, such as this couple, who began dating when one partner was in high school and the other was in college: Couples described serial or concurrent relationships 15 excerpts that involved initiating a new relationship before ending another, or transitioning to one relationship immediately after ending another.

Concurrent relationships appeared to slow down relationship initiation and negotiation, as some participants maintained these relationships due to a lack of readiness to commit to their current partner. For some, getting over a rocky relationship made starting a relationship with a new partner more difficult:. Couple 10M, age 23, partner age 31, together 1—3 years. For others, however, the presence of a new partner who seemed substantially better than the previous one facilitated rapid transition into the new relationship.

Feelings of hesitation 32 excerpts occurred throughout relationships. These feelings tended to slow down relationship initiation and negotiation and were often a barrier to establishing commitment. In addition, excerpts referencing later relationship stages e. Be fun!